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Ahmadu Ali to sue ‘Facebook people’… in last week’s news with a pinch of salt

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Ahmadu Ali to sue ‘Facebook people’… in last week’s news with a pinch of salt

by Stanley Azuakola

How come they don’t see that we are the luckiest people on earth, so lucky in fact that our president is called Goodluck.”

Is Gov. Dickson into 419?

Just before he went on leave, the Bayelsa governor, Seriake Dickson, disclosed that his administration inherited only N4,451 from the administration of ex-governor Timipreye Sylva. Sources close to the former governor told A Pinch…that when Sylva heard the accusations, he laughed long and hard, to the shock of all those around him. When he was done, he told them the reason for his laughter.

“This Dick-son ehn, this Dick-son,” he said, “He is truly the son of his father D*ck. He could not even read my handover notes properly. Nowhere did I write that Bayelsa state will inherit N4,451 naira from my administration. Is Bayelsa my next of kin? Bayelsa was not in my will.” Then he lowered his voice and said, “What I wrote was that as governor I inherited 4,451 houses from Bayelsa. Why do you think the EFCC is all over me?”

Meanwhile, a numerologist, Dr. Illume Natty, has claimed that Dickson’s accusation against Sylva looks like a scam. He said the governor might be trying to shift blame for a crime he’s about to, or already committing. As evidence, he said “Look at the number Gov. Dickson said was left for him (4,451), if you add the two middle digits, you’ll get 9. That would leave you with 491. Now rearrange the new figure and what do you get? 419. Is that not fraud? That’s why I said this Dickson is very suspicious.”

Ahmadu Ali to sue Facebook people

Former chairman of the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP), Ahmadu Ali, has threatened to sue Facebook people for telling him that he’d been elected as chairman of the PDP BOT when he hadn’t. He said it became necessary to do so because prior to the PDP BOT meeting last week, he was tensed and tight. But because of the announcement by Facebook people, he stopped being tensed and “released prematurely.” He said they were thus liable for his premature release.

Reports indicate that the person (name withheld) who began the Ali rumour has apologised, saying that he couldn’t help himself. He wrote: “Sir, we were rooting for you to defeat everyone else in the race hands down. We all know that as shitty as the PDP is, you sir, are the one person who can be likened to PDP’s butt, following your exploits as chairman. Hence it’s only fair for you to head its BOT.”

Maku lashes at Forbes

Information minister, Labaran Maku, has fired at Forbes magazine for its recent report which said Nigerians are the 20th saddest people in the world. He said that once again foreigners are trying to discredit President Jonathan. “Why is it only sadness and corruption that they see?” Maku asked journalists in a press conference. He then went on to list more newsworthy facts that could have been published instead.

“How come they don’t see that we are the luckiest people on earth, so lucky in fact that our president is called Goodluck. The only other nation that comes close is Thailand, whose president is called Yingluck. But Good is better than Ying, of course.  Why can’t they see that our president is one of the best dressed in the world, always standing out at international events? Or that our president is the president with a Christ-like heart, dining with ex-convicts and criminals? Why can’t they announce that our Petroleum Minister, Diezani Allison-Madueke, is one of the hottest female ministers in the world? Or that we have the most sense-making Information minister in the planet? These are laudable achievements but they’ll never report it.”

CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK

You must have heard that the Nigeria National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC), an agency of government, plans to take a syndicated loan of $1.5 billion dollars. That’s roughly N240 billion. There are not more than seven states in this country whose budgets are up to that figure. Yet, one agency, just one, intends to incur the debt in order to pay up old debts. A Pinch is not even interested in the fact that as an agency of government, going to secure a foreign loan without the approval of the national assembly is against the law. But $1.5 billion? With every single day that passes, this generation of rulers make it increasingly difficult for the unborn generation to have a future where their destinies are in their own hands. We are swallowing the seed; robbing the future. It is parasitism but the ones who would suffer the most from these acts of irresponsibility can’t even fight back; they’re the beautiful unborn ones who this generation will blight and deface through rapaciousness. What a disgrace! This week, the clowns at the NNPC take the CeeCee. Their brand of clownishness can’t be described without using expletives. A Pinch… will pass.

Follow A Pinch… on twitter @stanleyazuakola

A Pinch... is the zero award winning weekly news recap column, who is consistently accused of committing satire. People used to think it was A Pinch... who said "If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you." It wasn't. A Pinch... is syndicated on The Guardian and YNaija. Follow A Pinch... on twitter @stanleyazuakola.

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