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A Pinch of N(u)ews: Gov. Akpabio fires driver for farting+FG to compel patriotism in clerics

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A Pinch of N(u)ews: Gov. Akpabio fires driver for farting+FG to compel patriotism in clerics

by Stanley Azuakola

Where farting is a crime

When news broke that Gov. Godswill Akpabio had sacked his longstanding driver, everyone assumed that the driver had committed the unforgivable sin of telling Gov. Akpabio that he too had watched the video of the NGF election and knew that Gov. Amaechi was the clear winner contrary to what Gov. Akpabio was claiming. But that wasn’t even the man’s offense.

The man’s crime sounds like a joke but in Nigeria truth sounds like fiction. The driver, popularly known as ‘Pilot’, was fired because he was audacious enough to fart in the car while chauffeuring His Excellency.

Relatives of the driver have blamed their village witches for loosening the screws of the man’s anus at the wrong time because of envy over his privileged position. However investigations by A Pinch… revealed that the governor has become very cautious in recent times since he assumed the unofficial role of special enforcer to Pres. Jonathan. Gov. Godswill Akpabio was reportedly worried that since his enemies cannot get at him through the bullet-proof exterior of his official cars, they might try to come in through his driver’s bowels. A confidante of the governor said, “You know that it is not God’s will for Akpabio to die young. At this time when the world is on edge especially over the possibility of a chemical bomb attack in trouble spots like Syria, it would be foolish to ignore that his driver’s anus could be deployed by his haters as a conveyor of a chemical bomb.”

Aso Rock extends transformation agenda to clerics

Aso Rock has concluded plans to submit a bill to the national assembly which would ensure the transformation of Nigeria’s preachers. Announcing the move, the senior special assistant to Pres. Jonathan on who qualifies as a patriot and who does not qualify, Doyin Okupe, said that the problem with Nigerian preachers and their unpatriotic disposition was the absence of enabling laws.

He said, “In South Africa, Mandela is sick and pastors kept vigil outside his hospital. But here our leaders fall sick on a daily basis but our clerics can’t even patriotically go and stand outside their hospitals. What a shame!” Subsequently, Okupe said a bill would be forwarded to the national assembly called “Clerics Patriotism Transformation Bill 2013”, which would ensure that “clerics always mobilise themselves outside of hospitals whenever a leader is sick.” This, according to him, is so we can maintain our status as the giant of Africa, which is now being severely threatened by South Africa. He said government would provide vigil allowance to the clerics for vigils which take place in foreign countries.

Meanwhile a statement from the Association of Muslim and Christian clerics in Nigeria has described the proposed bill as useless. The statement said that how can clerics have vigils for our leaders when Nigerian leaders never fall sick. “When Patience Jonathan went abroad recently, she wasn’t sick, she only went to rest according to her but later died and rose again. When former president Yaradua was in Saudi Arabia, his aides said he was fine and climbing staircases. Even the Taraba governor, Danbaba Suntai, who was involved in a plane crash, is already fine according to his people and is doing exercises daily. So how can you tell us to go and do vigil for the healthy? Do you want them to accuse us of praying for their harm?”

CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK

We know we are in trouble when one man – Dan Etete – allocates an oil block to himself while serving as Petroleum Minister under Sani Abacha, had it taken away from him during Obasanjo’s tenure as president, but the man has now been settled by the current administration. He claims that all he got from the deal was “just N39 billion.” Yes that is N39 BILLION.

We know we are in trouble when this whole messy deal, and the negotiation that dropped this obscene sum of money in the account of one person was led by none other than our country’s attorney-general, Mohammed Adoke, who used to be an attorney to Etete.

We discover that we are screwed as a nation when a witness in the case declares in a foreign court that the deal was structured to be a “safe-sex transaction”, with the Nigerian government acting as a “condom” between buyers and seller. Our democratically elected government, a condom! Goodness!!!

If you haven’t read about the Malabu case, go and read The Economist magazine report online and see the damning revelations. Then know that we are screwed. If it would give you any comfort, know that it was the government we elected, in cahoots with crooks that screwed us. The government charge was led by the attorney-general, Mohammed Bello Adoke, a crooked clown who takes the CeeCee this week.

– Follow A Pinch… on Twitter @stanleyazuakola

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