by Ayokunle Odekunle
Once upon a time… in a town called Beere, not far from Ojee around Oke-Ibadan in Ibadan were two friends: Alamu and Alani. The two friends were NURTW members and started as conductors. After a few years together, they made some money. They decided to invest the money to start a business venture. They were to share the profit 50-50.
Alamu decided to be mischievous. After a few months, he cheated his friend Alani and refused to give him his due of the profit accrued. Alani was so angry. What was he to do to this bully? He would not dare fight him as he would get the beating of his life. He decided to go and report to ESU. For those who don’t know ESU (devil), he is that very mischievous Yoruba deity who takes delight in causing confusion. He is that person who takes the meat from the pot of soup but stains the hands of the child with soup, so it would seem as if the child stole the meat. Back to the story, Alani reported Alamu to Esu. Esu got angry on Alani’s behalf and decided to deal with Alamu.
Alamu’s life was never the same again. He started bedwetting (at the age of 45). His body started smelling. Whenever he approached people, they were of the opinion that he was rude even when he wasn’t. All of a sudden, his wife saw him as extremely ugly and she just noticed that his ‘Plantain-like’ organ which she used to ‘feel’ inside her looks like a cigarette. It was whenever he had anything important to do that he developed dysentery. Twice, he ‘shat’ on his body. He started wearing pampers. He brushed twice a day but people complained that his mouth oozed like ‘soak away’ pit.
Meanwhile, while Alamu dwelt in confusion, Esu sat in a corner and laughed. He enjoyed every scene. He enjoys seeing people confused and hates it when there is peace.
That is Esu (Devil) for you.
Right from the time of Nigeria’s independence, Esu has been resident in Nigeria. He has been the sole person responsible for all the atrocities being committed in the country since 1960. He it was who gave Suka Dimka the gun that killed Muritala Muhammad. He it was who forcefully ‘entered’ Ibrahim Babangida and annulled the June 12 elections. Esu has been responsible for all the corruption going on in Nigeria. He stole all the money Abacha was alleged to have stolen. He just ‘kept’ the Billions of Pounds in Abacha’s account for safe keeping. He put ‘Otapiapia’ into the tea that killed MKO Abiola (to cause confusion in the South West). Esu has been responsible for the ‘black out’ in the country. Even when Obasanjo ‘judiciously’ spent $16 Billion on power, Esu ‘planted’ confusion in the midst of the engineers and they could not solve our power problem (ESU LOVES DARKNESS).
Esu became bored and decided to travel out of Nigeria to spread his gospel of ‘confusion and sorrow’. He left his able ‘lieutenants’ to ensure we have no peace in this country. The lieutenants decided to dress for our President so as to make him appear stupid and clueless. They stole his shoes when he was a kid (that he why he gave us the testimony “I HAD NO SHOES”). They also fed him with Snails in his dreams so that he would never respond to issues quickly.
Esu’s lieutenants also worked on a ‘very beastiful’ man with eyes like that of frog prince. This man has never ‘stolen’ government money, yet he is very rich. He is the head of a party called ASSOCIATION OF CORRUPT NIGERIANS. Recruits from Esu’s Kingdom were also imported into Nigeria in the form of ‘humans’. These specials ones have just a duty “cause kata kata on witter and facebook”. Trust me, they have been doing the job excellently.
With all these in place, Esu left Nigeria briefly.
The devil’s first stop was Chicago USA. On July 4 2013, Esu procured some guns, gave them to 3 men and persuaded them to go into a neighbourhood to shoot sporadically. At the end of the day, 8 people were killed with 60 injured. The men blamed ESU but Esu fled.
His next stop was Afghanistan. Esu planted a bomb in a car and asked 2 gullible men to set them off. Pronto, they set the bomb off and 10 people died. Of course, the men were arrested but they blamed ‘ashaitani’ (Muslim word for Devil) for forcing them. Again, Esu fled.
He visited Isreal. Esu told the Isreali President never to give into the demands of the ‘small’ Palestinians. He further went to the Palestinians and gave then reason not to give in to Isreal. They had to fight it out. He reminded them of the story of ‘David and Goliath’.
On Saturday, the 6th of July, he decided to come back to Nigeria. He thought to himself “Ahah , why is this place so peaceful’? He then went by road to Yobe and told some Boko Haram guys “you see, this Infidel called Jonathan is winning this war against you people o. why don’t you show him small pepper’? As usual, he gave them guns and took them to a school. The Idiots killed over 25 Children without remorse. They felt no remorse because Esu had given them a special kind of weed to smoke and they felt ‘high’.
That was the beginning of a mad week. Esu’s very special week. The mindless killing of school children was the opening ceremony.
After the killing of those children, people were sad. Nigeria was in turmoil. The Devil’s special agents had caused confusion of twitter. To them, where was Mr. Jonathan? He should be everywhere at every time guiding every Nigerian with an SMG, AK47 or Saka Bula (Dane Gun). Why should he sleep when he eats 1 BILLION NAIRA food?
When the dust raised about the killing of those special children died down, ESU entered into one of the members of the Amnesty committee. He then told the others, “Why not let us enter into a cease fire with the Boko Haram guys? Are they not our brothers? Pronto, others agreed and they met those stinky murderers. The deal was struck and announced on the radio.
Confusion struck again. While many people were of the opinion that the cease fire was in everybody’s interest, others condemned him. That one too died down.
On Tuesday the 9th of July, Esu decided to produce an Oscar Award worthy movie in Nigeria starring Chidi Lloyd, Honourable Bipi, Rotimi Amaechi and others. He went to Rivers State and settled at the State House of Assembly. He had sent his lieutenants to go to the house of each member and ensure each member had ‘weed and Alomo’ for breakfast. As expected, the members got to the House of Assembly in ‘high’ spirits. They won’t take ‘shit’ from anyone who tells them nonsense. While on his way, Dis(Honourable) Chidi Lloyd branched at Sabo and smoked Shisha. He also took five shots of ‘ogidiga’. The Devil urged him to drink more. “you would need all the power in the world to carry out your special role”, the devil advised him.
The sitting of the House started and one way or the other confusion started. Esu moved near Hon Chidi Lloyd and told him that Honourable Michael Chinda had said something about the size of his big head. Since Esu had no gun with him, he asked Hon Lloyd to use the mace. Pronto, Honourable Lloyd hit Michael Chinda with the precision of a BLACK AXE CULT ‘STRIKER’. After first hitting Chinda with the mace, Esu told him to hit him more, surely that little scratch had no effect on Honourable Chinda. Buoyed by Esu’s admonition, Lloyd further ran after Chinda and ensured he broke his head with the mace. The devil then called Governor Amaechi’s ADC to one side and told him “What are you waiting for? Deal with Hon. Kelechi Wogu and Hon Lloyd will join you.” And so, Honourable Lloyd and Governor Amaechi’s ADC ensured that Honourable Wogu also got the beating of his life.
Once the news of the brouhaha reached the outside world, Esu’s men on Twitter continued from where Esu stopped. To them, confusion had to reign Supreme on Twitterspehere. And so they started.
The Twitter overlords blamed Mr Jonathan for the crisis. Even when they were reminded that while the incident was going on, Mr Jonathan was in China, they insisted that Mr. Jonathan’s spirit left China to cause confusion in Rivers State.
How about Mr Chinda who had his head MACED by DisHonourable Lloyd and Amaechi’s ADC? The twitter overlords insisted that Chinda is just paying for his horrific and horrible sins. “How dare he oppose SAINT AMAECHI?” they asked rhetorically.
Nigerians went haywire after Tuesday. Confusion reigned in the Land. Esu was overjoyed as he had never seen us so confused in a long time. Twitter was war; the Newspapers joined the madness as many of them refused to report issues in a balanced way. Since Honourable Chinda who has in a state of Coma was MACED by Amaechi’s men, there is no cause for concern. Honourable Lloyd can go Scott free as he is a progressive who is fighting the Agents of darkness; GEJ’s men.
Meanwhile, Esu just had to cap the week off in a grand way. He gave us a double dose.
On Friday, Major Hamzat Almustapha’s conviction for the murder of the late Kudirat Abiola was overturned. Confusion reigned again. People forgot about Amaechi’s case. They asked “Who are those stupid judges”? “Jonathan freed Almustapha so as to use him as a tool in 2015”, ‘our judiciary is inept, suffers from gross ineptitude and are very corrupt. How would THE JUDICIARY convict Al-Mustapha and set him free at the same time”?
To give us a befitting grand finale to a crazy week, Esu pitted Noble Laureate Professor Wole Soyinka against the First Lady, Dame Patience Jonathan. Mr Soyinka took her to the cleaners and called her “DOMESTIC APPENDAGE” because according to Soyinka, Dame is responsible for the Rivers crisis. He resorted to the use of some crass and unclassy language against her.
Dame won’t be outdone. On seeing Professor’s yab, she told her Husband
DAME: “EBELE, DON’T HELD ME O. I MUST TALKED MY OWN BACK TO THOSE PROFESSOR”.
President Goodluck went on his knees to beg her.
PRESIDENT JONATHAN: “okay dear, I know you are angry. I kuku know you can speak English better than Professor Soyinka but PLEASE, don’t release the statement on your own. Let one of your boys write it.”
The Devil tried hard to change make Dame see reason why she should show the Professor that she is a proper OKRIKA woman with a mastery in English language but common sense prevailed. She listened to her husband and asked one of her aides to reply the Professor. By writing the Press release on her own, she would have MACED us with some ‘grammatical’ missiles.
By putting Professor of “Made in Nigeria English” against Professor of “Queens English”, the devil gave us a befitting end to a most memorable week… one never to be forgotten in a while.
PS: Kudos to Babalola Shola (@phlowz) who made this piece possible….
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