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A Pinch: Gov. Fashola declares post-2015 ambitions

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A Pinch: Gov. Fashola declares post-2015 ambitions

by Stanley Azuakola

Fashola’s proposal

The proposal by the Lagos governor, Babatunde Fashola, to the National Sports Commission (NSC) for the introduction of a new game called “De-port-o” during the next National Sports Festival has been rejected due to fears that approving it might come back to haunt Nigerians in the long run if other countries see and adopt it.

According to Fashola, “‘De-port-o’ is a game in which one team looks for the most innovative ways to bundle the weakest links in the opponent’s team and ports them from their current location to a new one.” Higher marks are awarded if the porting process is more severe – for instance if the porting is done like a thief in the night or if the final port-stop is a most dehumanising place like under a bridge or the evil forest.

In a friendly ‘De-port-o’ game between Lagos and Anambra which was played to showcase the game to the authorities, the Lagos team won 72-0, although it is arguing that it won only 14-0, so as not to make the game look too ridiculous like the recent football matches in the Nigerian Premier League. However the NSC rejected Fashola’s proposal saying “it is difficult to see how Nigeria can win if other countries begin to learn this game. For instance imagine if Nigeria takes on the UK in a ‘de-port-o’ game, the margin of victory might just be too large and embarrassing.”

Fashola to vie for UN seat after 2015

Meanwhile it has been revealed that Gov. Fashola of Lagos does not intend to run for higher office in Nigeria after 2015, but desires to go international and vie for the position of UN Secretary General after the tenure of the current holder, Ban Ki-Moon expires. This was contained in a private diary of the governor which was leaked and published online. The governor said rather sensationally that he was trying to “court” Mr. Ban and to show him that they share lots in common hence his decision to ban anything ‘bannable’. The governor wrote in a 2011 diary entry that “I will ban okada, I will ban keke, I will ban clothes drying outside, I will ban human beings too poor and ugly for Lagos, I will just keep banning till Mr. Ban notices me and knows that this man who bans like my name might be a successor after my own heart, then hopefully he can use his clout to woo members of the General Assembly of the UN and convince them that I am a natural fit for the UN.”

APC accuses PDP of rigging WAEC

The newly registered All Progressives Congress (APC) has accused the PDP of rigging the 2013 WAEC examination results. The party berated the FG for ‘performing magic’ such that 70 per cent of those who sat for the WAEC exams passed this year compared to only 39 per cent in 2012. They said the FG rigged it just to deny the opposition and newspapers of a good headline to criticise it about. “What magic happened? Did Nigerian students suddenly become smarter overnight? We know better. 70 per cent can never easily pass a difficult exam like WAEC under this administration. It is not possible that under a clueless leadership like this one, we can have children who have a clue.” The party claimed that the new head of the WAEC office, Charles Eguridu is a distant cousin to former INEC boss, Maurice Iwu, and had the “rigging juices” flowing in his veins.

CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK

There’s no way that the Lagos government can successfully spin its shameful behaviour from two weeks ago when it deported 14 Anambra indigenes. And yes, it was a “deportation” not “resettlement” or any of the other euphemistic terms which the Lagos government has been using. Section 41 of the constitution of the land is emphatic that every Nigerian citizen is entitled to move freely throughout Nigeria and to reside in any part thereof. So if Lagos – or any state for that matter – denies people of that right it can only be because Lagos is now a sovereign nation not bound by Nigeria’s laws and so “deportation” becomes the right word to use.

Gov. Fashola should be ashamed for saying that “those [constitutional] rights are not absolute.” But he isn’t the only one deserving of shame. Lagos is not alone in this illegal act of deporting citizens. Only recently Gov. Amaechi of Rivers did same; so too Gov. Akpabio and many others. The discredited Gov. Peter Obi who was crying like an infirm baby over the incident and trying to transmogrify the issue into a tribal war to suit his political needs is also guilty of deporting non-indigenes. Obi’s hypocrisy in the matter stinks to the heavens. Fashola’s illegal act was not an attempt to victimise Ibos; it was a victimisation of the poor and weak in society. It is despicable of Obi who also victimises the poor and weak to turn round and introduce ethnic chauvinism into the matter. These governors must understand that not all things are expedient to do – in fact in this instance, it isn’t even lawful. And once again Fashola should give us a break about it being a reunification with their families; it is improbable that all 14 individuals were from Onitsha or that the families of all 14 live under the Onitsha bridge where they were dumped in an ungodly hour. These governing clowns should desist from pulling the strings that divide us. They take the CeeCee this week.

Follow this writer on Twitter: @stanleyazuakola

A Pinch... is the zero award winning weekly news recap column, who is consistently accused of committing satire. People used to think it was A Pinch... who said "If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you." It wasn't. A Pinch... is syndicated on The Guardian and YNaija. Follow A Pinch... on twitter @stanleyazuakola.

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