by Stanley Azuakola
How Pres. Jonathan does things for us
The special adviser to President Jonathan on new media, Reno Omokri, wrote an article last week titled, “How President Jonathan puts food in your pocket.” The article was a massive revelation for Nigerians as suddenly the eyes of their understanding opened and lo and behold, they began to see all the plenty money which the president has been putting in their pockets but which somehow the gods of this world (namely opposition politicians) had blinded their eyes from seeing or spending. Excited about the good reception of that article, Omokri said that he has planned sequels to the piece, which would be released in instalments and only awaiting final approval from his bosses in the president’s media office.
However based on the titles and contents of some of the sequels, it is unlikely that they would be approved because it’s hard to see how some of them can work in Jonathan’s favour.
Below are the highlights of the upcoming articles as exclusively seen by A Pinch…:
How Pres. Jonathan puts shit in your bumbum: He gave you cassava bread which fills your bowels and there’s only one place we can go after that – the loo
How Pres. Jonathan puts piss in your pee-pee: He does certain things which make you so tense and scared that your bladders fill up with urine
How Pres. Jonathan puts air in your nostrils: He gave you Doyin Okupe and Ahmed Gulak who grant interviews on a daily basis and blow hot air
How Pres. Jonathan put sweat in your pores: He delegated his foot soldiers like Edwin Clark and Asari Dokubo to contend with the foot soldiers of his opponents like Ango Abdullahi and Junaid Mohamed, thus overheating the polity and making you sweat
How Pres. Jonathan put saliva in your mouth: He budgeted billions for his Aso Rock kitchen, which his Dame uses in preparing those sumptuous meals that leave you salivating like Pavlov’s dogs just by thinking about it
How Pres. Jonathan puts tears in your eyes: You care so much about him but he does not give a damn. That hurts you know.
Nigerians hold their breath as Obasanjo is hospitalised
Nigeria was thrown into a very sombre mood last week following the hospitalisation of former president, Olusegun Obasanjo. To show Obasanjo’s ‘Baba-ship’, the international media quickly left South Africa where they have been camping and waiting for any news on Mandela, and moved en masse to Nigeria where Obasanjo is hospitalised at The Hilltop Clinic, Ota.
The doctors say that Obasanjo has been diagnosed with a case of retrograde selective amnesia and is unlikely to regain the missing portions of his memory. They said that this is actually a good thing as it makes Obasanjo sleep well at night because if he remembers some things in the past he might “hate his life.”
The problem with Obasanjo’s memory started when he was overheard talking to himself. “If in 53 years, Nigeria still has no leader to look up to, then we should all go to hell,” he said. A concerned friend quickly reminded the ex-president that the fault was partly his, as he is the longest serving ruler Nigeria has ever had. Obasanjo denied it. “Me?” he asked, “How can a chicken farmer become president? Is Nigeria a poultry?” Then the former president began to blast young people like Salisu Buhari, the former speaker of the House and ex-convict who he said blew their opportunities in leadership due to corruption. Again when he was reminded that it was him who fought to impose Salisu Buhari on the House of Reps and who granted the man a pardon after he was convicted, Obasanjo denied it and said he only watched the events on TV.
But the final crack came when he was asked why he did not mention his daughter, former senator Iyabo Obasanjo, as one of the failed young leaders causing problems. At that point he yelled, “How dare you? I have no daughter called Iyabo. How can you call a fence-jumping lootocrat like Iyabo my daughter?” However Iyabo, who was coming to pay her father a visit at the time, heard him denying her so loudly. As a doctor herself, she knew that it was not normal and her beloved Baba could not do such a thing against her. She immediately rushed him to the Hilltop Clinic where he is still receiving treatment.
CROWNED CLOWN OF THE WEEK
The name – Ayo Adesugba – might not ring a bell but that woman’s shoddy job last week set off many alarms. Adesugba, who has the rather grandiose title of Director of Information to First Lady Patience Jonathan, is the woman who was brought in to replace Ayo Osinlu, the first lady’s former special adviser on media. Adesugba’s first big job last week was a flop and A Pinch… has one advise for Dame Patience Jonathan: Fire her now… seriously, do it now!
If the press statement which Adesugba crafted on the alleged failure of the Rivers governor and his wife to visit Aso Rock and condole with the first family is anything to go by then this new Director of Information has no direction. Two statements in one week on one issue and no one could even get her point. Example: In the first press statement she started by saying they read media reports that the Rivers deputy governor was snubbed by the First lady and needed to set the records straight and then throughout the remainder of the statement they said nothing about the deputy governor and failed to answer the question whether he was snubbed or not.
Dame Jonathan does not listen to us when we mention her here… oh well, she hardly listens to anyone; so our guess is that Adesugba will remain as DOI despite the poor statements. So let’s take solace in the fact that she receives the CeeCee this week. We honestly can’t stand clowns!
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