By Bayo Adeyinka
1, Villa Drive,
Federal Capital Territory
My dear Baba,
RIGHT OF REPLY: MY APPEAL TO PRESIDENT GOODLUCK JONATHAN
I am very happy to respond to your 18- page letter which was addressed to me. But first of all, I want to apologize in advance that my response will not be up to 18 pages. Baba, you know my PhD was in Animal Husbandry and not English. So please accept me the way I am.
I almost asked Ruby Abat to respond but the boy would have used unpresidential language. By the way, Ruby surprised me o. Just like you said, he is carrying out his duty even beyond his brief. He sure knows how to dine with elders. I also thought of asking my attack lion, Doy Kup to grant a press interview but I called it off at the last minute because he only understands go and not come. He would have over-spoken so much so that our mutual enemies may begin to pity you. I also had to prostrate and beg Dame not to respond because Nigerians love her quotable quotes and I get frustrated when they quote her instead of me. Moreover, some silly internet goons can set her words to music and it will go more viral than ‘Oga at the top’. I don’t want them to kill my Peshe for me.
So I had to personally pen this letter. My first reaction when Ren Mkri brought your letter was to burst out in laughter. I laughed so hard and rolled on the floor that Ruby was alarmed. He obviously thought the genius had escaped from the bottle again. When I showed him your letter and he read it, he couldn’t understand the reason for my laughter until I explained to him. See, I thought the boy was smart but the wisdom of books is different from native intelligence. Ruby is just full of big grammar but low on native intelligence, especially when he is chopping-sorry, I mean eating. But I digress.
I laughed because Baba,you are so predictable! William Akpab told me not to respond to the initial four letters you wrote and that by the fifth time, you will throw tantrums and come out smoking- and that was exactly what you did!
He even told me not to respond to this recent letter but I don’t want to incur your wrath. I know if you don’t get a reply you will visit me first at the Aso Rock Chapel and then follow me home to a dinner of pounded yam. I know what usually happens after such meals, at least I witnessed the last pounded yam supper you had with Audu Gbeh and even your former Vice. And I cannot afford to tell you I am fasting when you are feasting. Anyway, we will not be eating pounded yam together anytime soon because I have asked Dame to keep away the mortar and the pestle until June 2015. Do you now see the reason I didn’t offer you any meal during our recent meeting in Kenya? Baba, it is too dangerous to eat with you oooo.
My dear Baba, is it a crime to be taught by a Master and for the student to get an A+ during examination? Mo gbe’ko, just like your Yoruba people will put it. But I know I am guilty of breaking one law of power- never outshine the master. For that I plead guilty and I ask for your pardon. A child does not know how to eat shea butter without traces of it remaining in his mouth. I am only walking in your footsteps.
You referred to when you visited me with Amadu Ali, our esteemed former Chairman under the umbrella. But you forgot something, sir. If it were Ruby writing this piece, he would have said you were suffering from selective amnesia. But far be it from me that my mouth or pen should utter such indignity to you. Is it not the same Ali that said our umbrella Party will rule for the next 60 years? Ali is a prophet and I am just trying to fulfill prophecy by ensuring continuity in Office.
Baba, you said I am encouraging corruption. It is not my fault that EFCC is dead. It was my late boss through Fari the jewelry lover that killed it finally. I only assisted in burying it. You know if we leave it for long, it will start to stink. But the good thing is that the ghost is still very much around. I sent the ghost after the sons of that loquacious Jigawa man and you can see he was so afraid he refused to jump off our roller coaster to APC train. You know we are so superstitious in this part of the world that the mere sight of a ghost leaves a matured man peeing in his pants- even when the ghost is not real, more less when it cannot bite.
You may want to cite the example of Boy George that we discharged and acquitted today. Baba, for God’s sake, I need him for 2015. You know Mr Fix It has been fixed by that short rascal in Edo State. He has been demystified and his shine has been taken off so I cannot afford to rely on Mr Fix It alone. It is apparent he can’t fix anything again. More so, I heard you say a proverb before that if we use the right hand to correct a child, we will use the left hand to draw him closer. You used the right hand and I am using the left hand- in the spirit of amnesty.
You want to talk of Alams that I granted presidential pardon and is now seated at the right hand of my kingdom? It is in the spirit of amnesty. You referred to a nameless man you called a murderer that was recently set free? It is in the spirit of amnesty. My dear Baba, you have forgotten too soon that you were also a beneficiary of this same amnesty in 1998 when you were set free. All na amnesty and one amnestified person should not begrudge another. In addition, as you were taught during your Theology Degree days, we pray that God should forgive us our sins even as we forgive those who trespass against us. Or have you forgotten your lectures so soon? I know your certificate was from Open University in Nigeria and not Toronto.
Moreover Baba, you did what you had to to get your second term. It was even rumored that you did ranka dede for Your Vice then. You know my own Vice is feather-weight; he couldn’t even win his own ward during the election. He is just chopping but has no real electoral value so I also had to do what I had to do by releasing the mallam. That is my own way of saying ranka dede.
On the issues on oil and gas sector, Gambari killing Fulani can never lead to a legal tussle. Na me get my pikin, na me give am belle should not be anybody’s business. God has graciously given us our own resource- why must it be anybody’s cake how we control it? If foreign investors refuse to come, local investors are ready- ask Tom Polo. I have empowered my people so much that they are now foreign investors in other countries-ask Asari Dokubo. I can ask them to bring their investments to Nigeria if need be. So please tell Lamis Sanu to mind his own business. Is it his own personal money that is missing? Why is he crying more than the bereaved? Anyway, he talks too much and I will ensure he will not get a second term.
On the disgruntled Governors, what happened was just a family disagreement. It is just about sharing formula and like we usually do, we will soon resolve it without the help of external parties like APC. The God I serve will soon disgrace all our detractors. Anybody that wants to witness the sleep of the crab will spend a long time by the River side. The greed that binds all of us together is too strong to be broken. I laughed when they said they were joining APC. Is that not Tinubu’s party? But Baba, you referred in your letter to how he came nocturnally to trade off his party’s Presidential candidate. So has he gone through the Damascus experience? I thought you knew that APC is just PDP by another name. Don’t lose any sleep over them- they are just traders. I just pity that Mumu Ribadu who is following him like someone under the influence of my favourite brand. And I know Tinubu will tell me one day how he succeeded in convincing that tall one- my perennial competitor- to join him! That must be the 8th wonder of the world. Anyway, he is from your area and I hear your people have juju similar to our egbesu. Oogun abenu gongo!
On Boko, how will I continue to justify my huge security vote and the defense budget if I settle the matter quickly? I don’t want to reveal too much but I can assure you these irritants will fizzle out like your political sharia after 2015 elections.
And as for Amaechi, I’m just applying your solution when 6 people in Bayelsa impeached Alams for me to become Governor. The only difference is that I’m using just 5 people to achieve the same aim. So, what’s the difference between 5 and 6? I was made in your image and after your likeness. I’m sure when you look in the mirror, you see me- less the tribal marks. The tiger must take after his progenitor and a child cannot look like his father and we now start picking quarrel with the child on the resemblance.
You also wrote about sycophants- people like your El-Rufai and Femi Fani-Kayode who you now realized were sycophants after you left office. I know Ruby, Ren Mkri, Doy Kup, Ahm Lak and that short spokesman Labara Don’t Die who usually wears oversized babariga will become sycophants when I leave in 2019. As for now, they still meet my needs by telling me what I want to hear. You can imagine he even praised me once as having brought Facebook to Nigeria! Now, I have brought Instagram, Twitter and inverters and they say I’m not performing. What can one do to satisfy Omo-araiye?
On your accusation that I am training snipers, I totally agree with you. But I am training them by giving them Ivy League education in schools and facilities in Europe. These were people in the creeks for years and I have removed their guns and given them books in their place. Lo ba tan!
Baba, I know what you want is attention and a chance in the spotlight again. I know you are used to seeing your face on NTA Network News and thankfully you have been given the chance again. Your voice has been heard all over the country. But you know that I know that we both know what you truly want. It is the opportunity to lead my campaign train in 2015 again and dictate your terms. Like one of our Seniors said, if a child fails an examination, he must be allowed to repeat the class. All I want is another chance to take my carry-over courses. O ye mi, like you would say. I understand. You know that was our discussion in Kenya. I will abide by your terms to curry your support, sir.
Permit me to share this letter with my facebook friends who are my primary constituency just like you shared yours with IBB and Abdulsalam. I cannot guarantee that it will not be published by our mutual enemies, Sahara Reporters and Premium Times. The limit of sharing may also be extended as time and circumstance dictates.
Goodluck Ebele Azikiwe Jonathan
(This is a satire and is purely a figment of the imagination of the writer, Bayo Adeyinka. SSS, Senator Gbenga Kaka of the 7-year jail term fame and snipers please take note. A beg ooooo)