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A Pinch: Shocker: Pres. Jonathan might get 14 years for showing his balls

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A Pinch: Shocker: Pres. Jonathan might get 14 years for showing his balls

by Stanley Azuakola

Pres. Jonathan might get 14 years for showing his balls

Pres. Jonathan might become a casualty of the anti-gay law he recently signed as he has been accused of “openly showing his balls to Pres. Barack Obama of the United States, Prime Minister David Cameron of the United Kingdom and Ban Ki-Moon of the United Nations, who are all men.”

Consequently, the president has been asked by a cross section of Nigerians to forego his constitutional immunity and face investigation if he is truly convinced that he is not guilty of showing his balls to his fellow men.

According to an insider, the president signed the anti-gay law because he was tired of being taunted. The source said: “First, Sanusi told him that ‘you can’t remove me, you have no balls’; then Stella Oduah also told him, ‘yes I am involved in one scandal or another but you can’t remove me, you have no balls’, so he had to show the world that he really had balls. What better way is there to show he had balls than to publicly showcase it to Obama and co by signing the anti-gay law which they did not want him to sign?”

However…

Pres. Jonathan did not expect that people will interpret the fact that he showed off his balls to mean that he has gay tendencies. His team swiftly began to make attempts to reduce suspicions. Their first move was to ensure that PDP chairman, Bamanga Tukur, was forced to resign last week. Rumours had been spreading that the reason Jonathan was protecting Tukur was because the man was getting down and doing a dirty job for him. On hearing the rumour, a shocked Pres. Jonathan reportedly told his close aides, “How can people say Tukur is getting down and giving me a dirty blow job? How? Such an old man!”

In order to shield the president, Aso Rock has made new laws. Henceforth, “Pres. Jonathan would not peck/kiss male foreign dignitaries on the cheek unlike what is usually done on television. Also, the president’s re-election campaign posters would not have him and Sambo close-by each other in order to avoid any trouble. Sambo would stay on one edge of the poster while Jonathan stays on the other edge. Finally, unlike in 2011, when Jonathan invited APC leader Bola Tinubu alone to Aso Rock on a presidential jet in order to negotiate, this time he would also invite Tinubu’s wife.”

APC kicks against anti-gay law

Meanwhile, the All Progressives Congress (APC) which initially supported the anti-gay bill, is now opposed to it because, according to them, Pres. Jonathan signed the bill in order to “hinder our forward march.” A statement by the APC national publicity secretary, Lai Mohammed, claimed that “Pres. Jonathan knew that our great party, the APC, has been going around the country wooing any man available. He knows that our main leaders are all males, and all those we’ve been wooing are males too, so he has signed this law in order to criminalise our wooing meetings. This barbaric ban of our wooing abilities is unconstitutional and can only emanate from a bumbling anti-wooing leader like Jonathan and must be opposed by all well wooing – sorry,  well meaning – Nigerians.”

CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK

Maybe it’s because Gov. Rotimi Amaechi talks too much OR maybe it’s because the crisis in Rivers has dominated the airwaves for too long OR maybe because this is Nigeria where anything goes – but somehow something has gone terribly wrong. Almost everyone has grown weary, people are tired of shouting hoarse and as a result, Joseph Mbu, the Rivers commissioner of police gets bolder and bolder by the day; increasing daily in his recklessness. Today, Mbu is using rubber bullets to disperse a crowd partaking in a constitutionally protected assembly; tomorrow Mbu will kill to achieve his purpose. Mbu is a politician; that’s the only way to explain why his police have no problem with Nyesom Wike’s Grassroots Development Initiative holding rallies on a weekly basis, but shoots at the Rotimi Amaechi backed Save Rivers Movement when they try to hold a rally of their own. Mbu allows thugs and militants to hold protest rallies on the streets of Port Harcourt but he orders his men to fire tear gas at teachers who assemble to pick up employment letters. Why Nigeria’s commander-in-chief and Inspector General of Police have shunned the voice of reason and refused to recall Mbu from Rivers is not a surprise but it’s sad and ridiculous. Rivers’ people are not lambs but Mbu is ready to shun professionalism even if it means sacrificing them. Shame on him! His time too will come. He takes the CeeCee this week.

–          Follow A Pinch… on Twitter: @stanleyazuakola

A Pinch... is the zero award winning weekly news recap column, who is consistently accused of committing satire. People used to think it was A Pinch... who said "If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you." It wasn't. A Pinch... is syndicated on The Guardian and YNaija. Follow A Pinch... on twitter @stanleyazuakola.

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