By Rotimi Fawole
1. We begin this week’s roundup with the goings-on in the People’s Democratic Party and statements from those who remain in the party, as well as those who have defected.
The President, in a moment of uncommon frankness and lucidity, confirmed what many already suspected – most of the misfits in politics chose to “serve” not because they really wanted to serve, but because they were jobless.
Our leader, in Freudian slip
Has given his colleagues the flip
We do this enjoyment
Has held Nigeria in its grip
2. After many months of wrangling, in-fighting and defections to the opposition, Bamanga Tukur was forced to give up his position as the Chairman of the PDP. However, the President swiftly promised that he would “reward” the 80-year old (!!!) with a juicier position than party chairman (he actually said “tougher” but let’s all agree he was being euphemistic). Well, he’s set to fulfil this promise, as reports say Tukur has been pencilled to be named the new Minister of Defence.
There was an old man named Bamanga
Led ruling clique of Bonga-Bonga
Was forced to resign
Against his design
Where is he? Asimbonanga!
So, Tukur, Defence! What a hoot!
A platinum gold parachute
For being non-sectarian
Will watch o’er the gun and the boot.
3. After being the spearhead of the group that threw a spanner in the cogs at the PDP convention, which has led to the osmosis/diffusion from the PDP to the APC, Atiku Abubakar has announced that he will consult all over the nation on whether or not he should join the APC. Uhmmm…..
The grand architect of the chasm
Split PDPs light in its prism
Says he will consult
Collate the result
‘Fore joining APCs orgasm
4. Femi Fani-Kayode is writing again. His latest piece is evidence of how far technology and democracy have come, as my brain cannot process the consequence of its equivalent during the Abacha or early Obasanjo years. It contains 12 steps that GEJ must follow to achieve Illuminatic enlightment (or bring back peace to Nigeria, whatever), which include lying prostrate before 7 living elementals and remaining there until each had pronounced absolution. There were some salacious tidbits too.
That piece, though lampooned, is quite handy
It showed the modus operandi
Relieve all our hassle
With kai kai and Ol’ Mama Brandy
5. This one is for Pastor Chris Okotie, renowned grandliloquent man of the cloth, who has flagged off his perennial presidential campaign by telling Catholics the Pope is the antichrist and that they’re all going to hell.
Our dear Pastor truly excites
His church with grammatical flights
But his inclination
To rule our nation
Is mostly all saccharine delights
6. The President recently signed the Same Sex Marriage Prohibition Bill into law. While banning gay marriage (which was already unlawful under the old marriage laws), many argue it actually goes as far as also making private homosexual conduct illegal. It kicked up a storm on the interblogs.
The old law was no more effectual
To deal with love gay, though consensual
To make up the time
It now is a crime
In naija to be homosexual
There was once a Nigerian law
That made twitterati jaw-jaw
‘Bout culture, religion
Intolerance, hatred and more
This loud and impassioned debate
About how adults may relate
Has kicked up a storm
About what the norm
Should be in a secular state
7. The Pastor of a popular church, accused last year of adultery, and promising a “robust response” to the allegations and accusations (yet to be delivered), was blessed, by a visiting Pastor, with a Rolls Royce reported to be worth $1million…
Today we must all with one voice
Give hearty thanks, praise & rejoice
There once was abuse
But now robust news
Of shiny new gleaming Rolls Royce
8. Since we’re on the subject of robust responses, how about that Okonjo-Iweala lady? Nigeria’s Minister of Finance and the Coordinating Minister of the Economy (and one-fifth of Nigeria’s Pentocracy or a quarter of its Jezebellocracy, if you believe Femi Fani-Kayode), provided a response over 100 pages long to the 50 questions she had been asked by the House Committee on Finance. Their aides must have had their weekends ruined.
The minister’s response robust
To justify huge sacred trust
So now we all wait
What will be the fate
Of all the Assembly men’s lust?
9. Two shootings on either side of the political spectrum. One was Senator Magnus Abe, of the opposition APC, the other, President Jonathan’s head of Photoshop.
They shot Magnus point-blank with rubber
And injured his somatic flubber
T’was minimal force
The cops say, of course
He’s off to London to recover
Goodluck’s chief pic shooter’s been shot
With bullets, not lenses, his lot
And live ones, not rubber
But yay, the old lubber
Is resting in a hospital cot