by Stanley Azuakola
President’s Rebasing Day speech
Two Sundays ago as news broke that Nigeria had surpassed South Africa as the largest economy in the continent based on GDP, President Goodluck Jonathan quickly rushed into the studio to record a broadcast that was to be aired the next day. Surprisingly after he had finished recording, some of his advisers pleaded with him not to use it for reasons best known to them. We have however obtained a copy of the brilliant recording by the president and have reproduced an excerpt below.
“Fellow Nigerians, Happy Rebasing Day to you all. Before I proceed, shall we all observe a minute of silence. I know you are wondering why – don’t worry, just obey before complaint, I will explain,” he said.
After the one minute silence is observed, he continued:
“Now, the reason why I asked for the silence is simple. No, nobody died. I just wanted you all to experience how the APC headquarters must have felt like the moment my amiable finance minister announced that overnight we have overtaken South Africa as the number one economy. COLD like ice water. It was so sweet to my belly. In fact I wanted to announce a public holiday but APC people will feel too bad.
“Fellow Nigerians, my team have asked me to say that this is not a time to celebrate. Hahahaha. I hear! Anyway let me just play along and say ‘this is not a time for me to celebrate.’ I will leave that one to my boys like Doyin, Abati and Omokri but I am happy to tell you all that with the rebasing of our dear PDP (haha. You see what I did there?), the next 4 years is guaranteed for me. Long live the federal Republic of Nigeria.”
Mama Bakassi weeps
A delegate at the ongoing national conference, Florence Ita-Giwa shed tears on Thursday when another delegate abused politicians. Ita-Giwa, popularly called Mama Bakassi was inconsolable, “Why?” she cried, “Why do you people like abusing politicians in this country despite all we do for you? You think it’s easy? Can you carry $600, 000 in a cap and put it on your head despite the weight? But Farouk Lawan did it. You think it’s easy to fly to Kano and dance kukere in front of people you don’t care about and then fly on the same day to Ibadan to celebrate 100th birthday with the old Olubadan? Who likes staying around old people? But our dear President Jonathan did it for us. And don’t forget he had to eat from the birthday cake, taking all that sugar into his body. And that is a man who has been working hard to check his pot belly! Yet you dare to stand here abusing politicians? I’m weeping here. Show politicians some respect please. The hazards in the job are just too much. Hug a politician by your side. Tell them you love them and your turn will reach someday to work our work.” By the time she was done, everyone in the hall was sober and repentant.
The two types of politicians
Nigerians learnt last week that there are two types of politicians in the country. According to Gov. Kwankwaso, the first type of politicians are “the vultures like Pres. Goodluck Jonathan”, while Pres. Goodluck Jonathan said the other type of politicians are “the devils like Gov. Kwankwaso.” It was an interesting classification, so we reached out to the two leaders to find out why and how they came up with such brilliant descriptions of themselves which perfectly fits what Nigerians think of them.
It was Gov. Kwankwaso who we first spoke to. Why did you describe the president as a vulture? we asked him. He said, “Well I thought it was obvious. Firstly what do they call a group of vultures? Ask Google, it will tell you that they are called a committee, a kettle or a volt. If you’re smart, you’ll see that those 3 things define Goodluck. His government only knows how to set up committees that he will never listen to; then he always cries that we in the APC are ‘pots calling kettle like him black’, and we see how he has broken into the nation’s treasure ‘vault’ looting our money.
“Another reason why the president is a vulture is that like you know, vultures rarely attack a healthy person; It’s usually the weak, wounded or dead that they attack. That’s why Jonathan is weakening and injuring this country so that he can then attack.”
On his part, when we reached him to ask why he called Gov. Kwankwaso a devil, Pres. Jonathan said: “The man is truly a devil. See the way he forces all his people to dress like him just like cultists in a coven. Don’t you see his red cap that he wears everyday? What does red stand for: DANGER!!!
“Also, we know that from the beginning all that the devil knows how to do is to trick and deceive and lie. That’s why Kwankwaso lied like the devil that he voted for me when he didn’t and that’s why he nominated Gov. Jang for chairman of Governors’ Forum then turned around and voted for Amaechi. Is that not deceit like the serpent, the devil?”
CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK
Last week we had several strong contenders for the CeeCee. It was one tale of insensitive clownishness after another. A Pinch… couldn’t choose a winner from the list so we’ll just run through them and leave you to decide. Did you see the shameless statement by the PDP and signed by its publicity secretary, Olisa Metuh, after the Nyanya attack? Metuh showed an unsympathetic and devious heart when he released that statement blaming the opposition for the blast without any evidence. Playing politics with an issue like terrorism at a time like that is a pitiful low. Gov. Nyako of Adamawa also showed that old men are not always wise when he released his sectionally divisive and repulsive memo. Then there was the president who marched to Kano and Ibadan to dance, abuse and cut cake just 24 hours after the blast when people like ambassadors of other nations were going to donate blood to the victims. Gov. Kwankwaso who was also busy playing a game of division and sweeping the president’s foot at a time of mourning is another contender for CeeCee. There was House leader, Mulikat Akande who went to do the right thing in an obscene way when she visited blast victims in the hospital and decided to pose with the brown envelopes she brought. Let’s not forget our military which gave us the heartbreaking false story that they had secured the release of 121 abducted school girls when they had not done a thing. By the time the truth came it was most embarrassing for them and calls to question a lot of their previous claims. So there you go: Behold your nominees for insensitives crowned clown of the week.
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