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Tunde Asaju: Always a better view from Government House

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Tunde Asaju: Always a better view from Government House

by Tunde Asaju

Madam Stella Oduah was enjoying the view from her country home while some mischief-makers were trying to spoil her bad reputation. They claimed that she laundered money into the accounts of her maid, ostensibly as a means of escaping the eagle eyes of EFCC bank inspectors. Wicked people so blinded by poverty that they have no faith that maids could also be millionaires. This is, in spite of the diet of prosperity gospel flying all over penterascal churches dotted across the landscape. Me I know maids who are paid more than permsecs, I haven’t just succeeded in working for one yet, I am fasting and praying to collide with such luck.

So guys, just because you’re on minimum wage and maximum wahala it’s no reason to believe that maids could not make millions. We need an attitude change in this country. Our Ferrari-riding God of men needs to up their act because people are apparently not listening.

Naija governors can teach a lesson or two to Arnold Schwarzenegger. In these trying times when workers are working pro bono, governors are the most sympathetic. Digbolugi Ayo Fayose could not watch his own workers going on strike without starting a solidarity strike of his own. What a stroke of genius! If the 20 or more other governors whose workers are threatening fire and brimstone without affinity to Satan could adopt this nobel idea, we could shut down Naija just to show that clueless is not a creek attribute.

At some point, not too long ago, Ogbeni Rauf Aregbesola who Americanized his own state without constitution amendment was being touted as the best loaf to come out of the APC kiln. Dressed in the uniform aso-ebi he decreed for public schools and eating from the same meal as the pupils; you couldn’t find a more charitable ruiner in any PDP state. Others were envious they had no son tech savvy enough to import Opon Imo from China. There were some uncharitable beings swearing on their grandmother’s unmarked graves that the tablets were valued lower than akara and eko on e-Bay and that the state was ripped off.

Nobody knows what happened between campaign and re-election but neither Osun teachers nor Osun workers have been smiling. The way these things are treated in the media, you would think that Aregbesola is the most debt-infested governor-on-siren in Naija. But what a charitable governor he is. Just this week, Ogbeni curried our sympathy by letting us know that he has not drawn his salary in six years. In other words, nobody should think that the governor has been swelling his accounts while leaving workers hungry. Of course, we never know the truth about these things until another party captures power and opens the vaults of sleaze. For now, we are so sympathetic that Ogbeni Aregbesola has not been drawing a salary for six years. What we also hope is that he has not been collecting security votes.

Why do I say that, well, it is now common knowledge that those who have security votes can save enough to become shareholders of the Burj Khalifa. As long as they are not robbing shoulders with General Brutal, it’s all legit and nothing spoil.

I would love to be governor of Okeagi State someday if we all get our wishes of turning every hamlet into a state. When that happens, I would be addressed simply as his Excellency, Ogbondemnu Tunde Asaju, poor governor of Okeagi State and friend of the masses. For now, I share the same title of mister with the Joneses, as nobody would dash me a traditional title without a swollen wallet. Why do I like being governor, well, it is the only political office that you hold and you don’t have to be accountable. What more, it doesn’t matter how you perform, you could graduate to the sinnate without any problem and if you left skeletons, you could count on those who enjoyed patronage to defend you on social media.

As Barack Obama recently regretted in a speech in Ottawa, he loved his job so much he would love to keep it, grey hair and all, except that the American constitution denies him. He is now forced into a $5 million retirement mortgage home from November, a home that is not worth the value of one Madam Diezani’s bulletproof gym in Abuja mansion – but that’s life.

I like the timing of Iyiola Omisore’s arrest. I understand its corn season in Naija. Last year, he was riding okada and chewing corn all over Osun State hoping to depose Ogbeni. It didn’t work and now they have come for his share of Santa Dasuki. I have never known of a stubborn child being asked to refund their Santa gift. Olisa Metuh returned his own without qualms and pledged allegiance to Sai Baba.

Talking about corn, last year outside government house, Ambode was patronizing street foot vendors. This week, he is enforcing a law against street trading. Obviously people see clearly from government house.

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